Who is this person?

When I first met my boyfriend we never argued.  Last night we had our first fight and believe me, I now believe in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I was thinking to myself, “Who is this guy and what happened to my boyfriend? “ 

Conflict can save your relationship

Although you may not agree, conflict is normal inthe early stages of dating and is inevitably going to happen. Arguing in the beginning of relationships for young adults is normal and can actually signify to your partner that the relationship you are currently in is important and worth fighting for. So many relationships could be saved or strengthened if the two would simply put aside their differences and listen to what their partner has to say or just try to understand their feelings and point of view. They may differentiate in their ability to mentally process knowledge, comprehension and their perception of things although these differences are exactly what could bring two young adults closer together.  

 Your relationship is worth fighting for

Don't you ever feel that you are worth fighting for?  If you agree then continue reading this article.  Relationships take time and investments need to be put in.  Every person deserves to feel valued and worth fighting for. 

Let's turn a negative situation into a positive one

When I was in a past relationship, my boyfriend would never argue with me when we had a disagreement. He would just walk away. By doing this I felt as though he just did not care about my feelings and eventually, we broke up. You may not agree with me but just listen for a bit, Arguing can turn a negative situation into a positive one. Isn't that what we are looking for? A positive that comes from a negative. I know this sounds crazy but researchers have agreed that  forgiveness and conflict strategies produce relationship quality through effective arguing. 

The brain can increase in development

Have you ever thought “What is going on in the mind of this person I am arguing with?” Well, as young adults their brains are still developing and arguing can strengthen cognitive skills. This is because arguing provides opportunities to reason with themselves as well as others.  

Arguing can involve complex and critical thinking when trying to compromise with each other and coming to an agreement. Relationship experts have done research and found that when  a young adult identifies with a relationship such as expressing their needs,  it might emerge as an effective source of motivation and influence cognitive processes.  

Learn from the past and be better

“I wonder why my boyfriend acts this way, maybe it was the way he was raised growing up?”  This leads to them wondering why they are being treated the way they are being treated. In the past, my boyfriend and I would constantly argue, and he would react unfairly. He would say it was because of the way he was treated while growing up and the withholding of affection between him and his authoritarian parents.

His parents later understood that the way they treat each other, could set an example for my boyfriend. They recognized that they needed to display love, and  how they  gave and received it  greatly influenced and shaped his life.  Many of our first experiences with love are acquired from our parents, and those early years set the bar for how we see, give, and receive it affecting the lasting effects of open communication and healthy relationships.  There was research finding suggesting that adolescents often use their parents as models for their own behavior in various relationship contexts, consistent with Bandura’s Social Learning Theory .

In addition to children witnessing parental conflict, the parent-child relationship appears to be a mechanism through which parental aggression is linked to important qualities of offspring friendships and romantic relationships. An example of this would be an offspring aggressed upon by their parents are more likely to seek out deviant peers and more likely to bully others within their peer group found that adolescents frequently used the same conflict style in arguments with a romantic partner as they used in arguments with their parents.

Thus it seems that both modeling and socialization may serve as potential mechanisms by which interparental conflict tactics lead to the development of children’s own conflict styles in peer and romantic relationships.  Davies and Cummings (1994) proposed an emotional security hypothesis which characterizes different interparental conflict tactics in terms of how they might affect children’s security about the future stability of their parents’ relationships. 

Unproductive arguing can hurt young adults

Did you know that it takes 5 positive remarks to make up for one negative remark? Remember that the next time you are having an argument with the one you love. Most of the time young adults do not fight fair and use words to hurt each other. “I wish I never met you! You mess up all the time.” These are hurtful words to hear when arguing and can affect young adults' self-esteem making them feel worthless.

 Research has shown that Adolescents who are overtly victimized may learn that no matter how hard they try to please someone, their faults are always thrown in their face. This may lead them to believe that there is some flawed aspect of themselves that should be hated and removed. 

Arguments between your loved one, not done with respect can lead to devastating effects and can crush their self-esteem. If you feel that this person you are dating is someone you want to stay with, then remember to act in a respectful way when discussing conflict.  

Just remember….

The beginning of relationships, especially for young adults, can be a difficult time, trying to keep that flame burning as it was in the beginning can be challenging. Remembering what brought the two of you together in the first place can be a good place to start. Just remember what attracted you to this wonderful person the first time you met and consider the question “Is this someone I want to be with for many more years to come?” If you ask yourself this question and sigh a breath of relief that “yes, I want to be with them”, then just remember arguments are healthy and can draw young adult couples closer together.