why i'm not afraid of coronavirus

Damian Lyman

Give me liberty or give me a novel Chinese coronavirus. When I go outside and see these sorry, brainwashed people wearing masks on their faces, I hang my head in shame. Wearing their government-mandated masks is undeniable, overt proof. Proof that Mayor Caldwell is robbing us of our freedoms, ounce by ounce. President Trump made it crystal clear months ago that this virus will be gone by May. I’m writing this piece on May 28, meaning this whole thing will be done in three days. Four max.

I trust our commander in chief. The liberals cry their crocodile tears about how the federal government has had no cohesive response. They make fun of the president when he suggests using ultraviolet light therapy or ingesting disinfectant. They have no respect for the office of the president—but I do. That’s why I am intravenously injecting disinfectant right now. Yes, right now, as I write this piece. I looked around online, and supposedly “Lysol Disinfectant Spray Spring Waterfall” works the best. Here we go... and now I’m COVID free.

Hotdog that has a kick to it, whoa. It feels like I got paprika in every vein in my body... except my legs, so that’s good. Oops. Nope. I spoke too soon: my legs just got it. Okay. Well, if it ain’t hurtin’, it ain’t workin’. Back to my point. The liberals would have you believe that what’s being forced upon us is a “preventative measure to help curve the spread of deadly disease we were woefully unready for due to Trump’s dismantling of the pre-existing pandemic preparedness task force and his complete indifference to the warnings he’s been briefed on since about late last year.” The truth is that what’s being forced on us is communism. Plain and simple. It’s the government telling me where I can or cannot go. It’s the government telling me that I can’t get a haircut. It’s the government saying that I can’t go watch “A Quiet Place 2” in theaters. What’s goin’ on with them crazy noise monsters? Will Emily Blunt save her kids and, like, kill the monster nest or something?

I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore. Hahalja. I have no idea why I just wrote that. Hahaha. Toto. You guys remember that movie “Twister”? Sorry, I was talking coronavirus. It’s just my head feels like... it has rings around it now? Like the rings of Saturn? Majestic yet oddly ominous... you know what I mean? Alright, I gotta focus up, new paragraph.

My ninth and final point is that this whole thing was cooked up by the democrat party and the Chinese government. The deep state has had this virus in vials hidden at who knows where. They held onto it for a moment like this. When a hugely popular Republican president had the economy soaring. The China connection is also something you should look into. Follow the money. Zoom is raking it in—it may be the only company raking it in, well, other than liquor companies—since this whole virus started. And who created Zoom? One Eric. S. Yuan. Check and mate. Of course, he’s actually a Chinese American, but I mean... you should look into it.

Onto my second point! Where’s the proof? Where are these supposed 100,000 dead Americans? I sure as hell haven’t seen someone die from coronavirus. Except for my mom. That was really hard to watch. But where are the others?

Boy, I feel. Like thres gravel getting dumped into my frontal lobe by a bunch of litle tiny Tonka trucks It feel s heavyyyy. I miss my mom. If only I knew htat Lysol srping waterfall disinfencet was the cure I’m sorry mom wow my eyeballs feel like blackck holes so hevayyyyyyyyyyyyytt667uyyyyyyyyyygygyggggggggggg.

Oops. I think I fell asleep for a second there. This is some good medicine! What was I... oh, right. Bring it home. So I ssay to almy countrymen, ti all patriotd, enough is rnough! Reopen Hawaio! Go out there.. lick a public door handle, hug an addled, coughing elderly starnegr. THe constituion allows you to do any of these things. And that’s why you should.